Soil samples needed from my backyard BEFORE Thursday, I planted tomatoes and grew an emotion $75 (Dross Hollow)

I need certified soil samples from my backyard collected before Thursday morning. NAGs meeting at 7 PM and I need documentation or they fine me again.

Here's what happened. I planted tomatoes in April. Normal tomatoes, normal soil, normal everything. By mid-May the plot was growing something that is not tomatoes. It's not a plant at all. It's an emotion. I don't mean a plant that represents an emotion or a plant that makes you feel an emotion. I mean there is a raw, identifiable emotion growing out of the ground where the tomatoes should be.

It's about 8 inches tall. Doesn't have leaves. Just sits there and radiates. My neighbor described it as "aggressive nostalgia" which is actually pretty accurate. You walk past it and suddenly you're thinking about a summer you had when you were 12 that you forgot existed. My wife won't go in the backyard anymore because it keeps making her miss her college roommate and they weren't even close.

I called a soil specialist. She took one sample, looked at the results, and said the soil was "technically fine." I asked what she meant by technically. She said "the soil is normal. What's growing in it isn't. That's not a soil problem." Charged me $60 to tell me my dirt is innocent.

I need NEW samples from someone who can provide documentation the NAGs will accept. Certified, dated, proper chain of custody. I don't care what the results say. I just need a piece of paper that proves a professional looked at my yard so the board stops blaming me for the nostalgia.

$75. Bring your own containers. Try not to linger near the plot. Last person who stood there too long called their ex from the driveway and they'd been broken up for six years.