Public Eye Bleach Fountain Recalibration, Potency Variance Detected in 14 Downtown Units (Kelvross Central Business District)
Reference: BOW-2026-FTNVAR-0091
The Bureau of Ocular Welfare has identified a potency variance in fourteen (14) public Eye Bleach fountain dispensers across the Kelvross central business district. Affected units have been dispensing at concentrations between 30% and 400% above rated strength since approximately May 21st.
Consumers who used any public Eye Bleach fountain in the downtown corridor between May 21st and June 1st and experienced any of the following should contact the Bureau:
- Seeing "too clearly" (defined as visual acuity exceeding what you are emotionally equipped to process)
- Sudden and unwanted awareness of coworkers' opinions of you
- The ability to see through marketing language, which multiple affected individuals have described as "devastating"
- Witnessing things that are technically visible but were, in the Bureau's assessment, probably hidden for a reason
Consumers who experienced underdosing may have noticed no effect whatsoever, which is unfortunately indistinguishable from the experience of using Eye Bleach correctly. The Bureau acknowledges this is a diagnostic challenge and is not currently accepting feedback on the irony.
Affected fountains have been taken offline. Paper towels have been placed over the dispensers with handwritten "OUT OF ORDER" signs. Three of the signs have already been stolen. One was returned with a note reading "I can see why you wrote this now," which the Bureau is treating as a symptom report.
Personal Eye Bleach bottles remain available at all licensed pharmacies and are not affected by this variance. Consumers who do not own personal Eye Bleach are, statistically, more likely to need it. The Bureau bases this on everything it knows about the internet.
Recalibration is expected to be complete by June 30th. In the meantime, the Bureau recommends simply not looking at things.